Making the Monkey Costume

I was just so happy to have time to do home projects with Ozzy and accompany him to his first school production practices. His first on-stage role was a monkey. I tore up a bathroom towel, and got him a monkey hat.

Order!

I started this two years ago when we started addressing Ozzy's hyperactivity and speech delay. I just want to share how successful it is. Ozzy is responsible for his toys now. We emptied the box for alphabets and animals because he has mastered them already and assigned it to robots and super heroes.

Somebody's been Driving into my Fridge!

There are two marvelous additions to my living space and one belonged to me. The other belonged to Ozzy. It was some sort of a go cart that had four wheels and a steering wheel. Anyway, I was there when he ran into my refrigerator the first time. Mom went berserk. Ozzy begged me not to get angry at him.

"See, mom, it's gone." He placed the letter N on top of the dent. The next day, while having breakfast, I noticed this.

True enough, I found another dent under the letter "S".  I know they were accidents. Obviously Ozzy knows that denting my fridge isn't a good thing. But I have to remind him how I feel each time something like that happens.
This is how I encourage mindfulness at home...

Lawrence Porthos Victoria

Internment

November 16, 2012, Friday

“Lawrence Porthos Montes Victoria : 13 November 2012 - 13 November 2012. In the few months he lived in April Montes Victoria 's womb he gave us joy and peace. We commend his soul to God who is all merciful. Although he is without legal personality, he is a person. His 'tent' we shall put into a decent resting place. His memory shall bring us smiles of one walking hand in hand, feeling the warmth, of the palm of our ever caring Father.” --- my father’s words.

We had Porthos cremated. We were going to put him in my parent’s ossuary. After filling up the paper work (death certificate for fetal demise), blessing, cremation, and payments, my husband held my hand and said, “We are wiser now.” I don’t know exactly what piece of wisdom we got, but I did feel we were stronger together now more than ever. We were going to bury our child.

November 18, 2012, Sunday

Matthew 19:14. Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

We buried Porthos on a Sunday afternoon at around 1pm. My siblings, parents, and in laws attended. A good mommy friend came. It was simple. They say unborns go straight up to heaven and become angels and so we didn’t have to wait for forty days. I know he is watching over us from heaven.

Recovery

Until this day, I don’t know why it happened. I can only tell you how it happened. There was no more heartbeat. That was all.

I have trusted the will God in all my life’s experience, and his faithfulness have always brought good, but for this, there is more confusion in my heart than definite answers. It gives me an opportunity to trust Him and carry on. I am not leaving this part of my life behind me. For sure I will carry this around; sometimes like a badge of honor, sometimes like a haunting memory.

For the past couple of days, I have been spending my time with Ozzy. It has been Ozzy and Mommy adventures again. I pray one day, Ozzy Bear’s Crib will make room for another one. 

D&C

Labor and Delivery

November 11, 2012 Sunday

According to the OB, the best way to get the baby out was to let it pass naturally before a D&C. So Saturday evening, at around 7 o’clock, I was given the first inducer. I went into contractions on long intervals that night. Losing a child was painful and overwhelming. I could not sleep.

I had my husband bring me to the hospital the next day at 5am. I was discharging water and blood. When the ER doctor asked me what happened, I could barely explain myself as I was crying through my words. They sat me down and read my doctor’s request instead.

The first day, Sunday was spent in the Labor Room with continuous medication to make the baby pass. Porthos hung in there quite well. There were minimum contractions and I felt fine. I was monitored every two hours for my vital signs. I could feel everybody’s prayers and so there was no fear in my heart.

November 12, 2012, Monday

Monday came and Tuesday came, and still I could o’t go into active labor. Porthos had not come out. It was a difficult situation. Porthos was 14 weeks and was too big. His position was transverse. There was risk of infection and poisoning from within. The doctor says he’d have to fold in order to come out.  And our heart’s desire was for Porthos to come out whole and complete and to not to risk any damage to my uterus. I was monitored faithfully by the nurses at the hospital.

I have never had to be so brave. I was braver than the time I had delivered Ozzy. I’ve had IV’s stuck on me. First on my left, then on my right, two skin tests, two cbc’s. I am normally very pleasant and sensitive to the responsibilities of the people around me, but I remember telling the nurse, rather resistive “nasosobrahan na yata ako ng turok”. She could only say she was sorry.

Mothers came in and out of the labor room to deliver their babies. I was there for three days, waiting to pass out mine. I prayed for each one and blessed their babies too. But when I would hear a baby come out crying from the nearby delivery room, I would cry by myself. I’m not sure exactly what my cries were about: loss, sadness, regret, envy, impatience, and so on…

November 13,2012 Tuesday

By Tuesday, my doctor was convinced she had to put a deadline. If the baby doesn’t come out, she’d have to perform a “piece meal”. That meant: to take out the baby piece by piece. It was scheduled for Wednesday morning, 8am. Tuesday night, around 9pm, I uttered “good bye baby” and touched my stomach lovingly. It was the most painful thing I’ve had to say. Porthos came out Tuesday night at 10:45pm after a rather painful bout of contractions. I finally went into active labor.  Porthos was placed in a bottle. I remember he was very cute even if he was just a 14 week fetus. Children are always beautiful to their mother’s eyes, and it was very true.

I remember my nurse’s name that night was Joy. And she sounded like a pre-school teacher as she talked to me. She could be a good one, I thought to myself. She was talking me through what had to be done and what was going to happen. When my anesthesiologist gave me the anesthesia and put me to sleep, it was the first time in three nights that I had slept well. In recovery, the nurse had asked me to move my feet. “I can’t”; even if I used all my will power to. She smiled at me, “nagagalaw niyo po.” I looked down at my feet and they waved at me, left and right, like another person saying hello. It felt bizarre.

November 14/ 15, 2012, Wednesday and Thursday

The day after the D&C, Wednesday, I had the worst pain in my gut. So this is what a mother meant when she wrote “like I had been run over by a bus” in her blog after a D&C procedure. It felt exactly as she said. It was worse than delivering a living baby. My sister Aika took a leave to be at my side that day. I was lucky to have her there. In the afternoon, my friends from work came to visit. It was good to see them and have their energy around me again.

Porthos was put in a bottle and was given to me. Nobody wanted a look. As I carried him in his bottle on the way home, I was carrying my baby and although it was a shell, I was still carrying my baby, born still.

It was the first time that I had missed Ozzy. We hadn’t seen each other for four days. I couldn’t wait to come home to him and find out how his days went. We were discharged at around noon time.

I lay on the bed as soon as we got home. The hospital beds where too firm on my back. I could hear the school bus stop in front of the gate. Ozzy, with a great big smile on his face, enters the house and jumps on the bed. His hair was standing up wildly for he has missed his Sunday haircut, his button nose full of scratches from his uncut nails, and had a huge black and blue bruise on his forehead. He looked as if he had gone to battle himself. He showered me with kisses like a puppy smothering his master. “Mommy I (l)wove you. I (l)wove you. I (l)wove you”.

I told him that Porthos is gone. He looked at me with understanding. “I can (l)wie down on your stomach now,” he said and did just that. 

“Where’s Porthos, Mommy?”

In august, we discovered that Ozzy Bear’s Crib was going to make room for another child. Bits had nick named the baby “Porthos” because of my quick growing belly. Ozzy would kiss and hug the little one in my belly all the time.

I had asked Ozzy, “Where will Porthos sleep?” He pointed at the space next to me, “this way”. Then I asked him, “Where will Ozzy sleep?” He pointed at the floor, “that way.”  Although Ozzy bear’s crib was just a small house, at that point I knew that Ozzy was ready to be kuya.

Everything from then on became “Porthos and I”—our breakfast, our lunch, our dinner, our vitamins, our milk. It was now Ozzy, Mommy, and Porthos. Often winded, nauseated, and sleepy, my pregnancy felt easy because of the lack of bed rest compared to my pregnancy with Ozzy. I was ecstatic about Ozzy having a good friend and a playmate at home. I was excited to have a little one in my arms again too. Once mother of one, now to be mother of two is like receiving a promotion from God—the best part of my life.

I can think of the time when it might’ve happened. November 2, in the afternoon, I felt as though my heart had literally skipped a beat, like it missed a step. I remember telling myself, “nangyayari pala yon.”. It was November 10, on a typical doctor’s appointment, when we found out Porthos no longer had a heartbeat. I was telling Ozzy that we get to hear the heartbeat that day. I had only seen the heartbeat through the IV ultrasound. I remember it being very strong and that people thought we were going to have a girl. We lost our pregnancy in the second week of November, an early intrauterine fetal demise. Porthos lost his heart beat at 14 weeks. We discovered it on his 15^th week. My husband and I broke down crying in the chapel next to the OPD that evening. We were holding each other’s hand, heartbroken. Why does God give life only to take it away? It’s still not very clear to me yet. That conversation with God is not yet over.

Although, I am overwhelmed by the support of friends and family, I felt that the adventures of Porthos, Ozzy and I were too short lived. Porthos was a dream, almost unreal. I was in complete shock. Bits reminds me, as I indulged into episodes of weepiness and feeling alone, that I still have Ozzy waiting for me at home, and I would swallow my sadness like a good soldier. 

Father and Son

It's such a joy for me to watch my boys spend time together. It gets crazy because they're very similar and opposite in many ways.

Discovering the Ipod: Ozzy's Self Portraits

Our History on a Fridge Door

My husband and I said goodbye to our first refrigerator. We figured that since we were a growing family, we should have a bigger refrigerator.  And so, for this Christmas, my husband's gift to me was a cost effective, energy efficient, no-frost refrigerator.

How time flies. My son has gone from Thomas the train to super heroes now. One time I saw him scaling the walls. "I'm spiderman," he says. He is now into superheroes and have spent most of his toy store time asking for Iron man. Who knew this day will come so soon?