“Where’s Porthos, Mommy?”

In august, we discovered that Ozzy Bear’s Crib was going to make room for another child. Bits had nick named the baby “Porthos” because of my quick growing belly. Ozzy would kiss and hug the little one in my belly all the time.

I had asked Ozzy, “Where will Porthos sleep?” He pointed at the space next to me, “this way”. Then I asked him, “Where will Ozzy sleep?” He pointed at the floor, “that way.”  Although Ozzy bear’s crib was just a small house, at that point I knew that Ozzy was ready to be kuya.

Everything from then on became “Porthos and I”—our breakfast, our lunch, our dinner, our vitamins, our milk. It was now Ozzy, Mommy, and Porthos. Often winded, nauseated, and sleepy, my pregnancy felt easy because of the lack of bed rest compared to my pregnancy with Ozzy. I was ecstatic about Ozzy having a good friend and a playmate at home. I was excited to have a little one in my arms again too. Once mother of one, now to be mother of two is like receiving a promotion from God—the best part of my life.

I can think of the time when it might’ve happened. November 2, in the afternoon, I felt as though my heart had literally skipped a beat, like it missed a step. I remember telling myself, “nangyayari pala yon.”. It was November 10, on a typical doctor’s appointment, when we found out Porthos no longer had a heartbeat. I was telling Ozzy that we get to hear the heartbeat that day. I had only seen the heartbeat through the IV ultrasound. I remember it being very strong and that people thought we were going to have a girl. We lost our pregnancy in the second week of November, an early intrauterine fetal demise. Porthos lost his heart beat at 14 weeks. We discovered it on his 15^th week. My husband and I broke down crying in the chapel next to the OPD that evening. We were holding each other’s hand, heartbroken. Why does God give life only to take it away? It’s still not very clear to me yet. That conversation with God is not yet over.

Although, I am overwhelmed by the support of friends and family, I felt that the adventures of Porthos, Ozzy and I were too short lived. Porthos was a dream, almost unreal. I was in complete shock. Bits reminds me, as I indulged into episodes of weepiness and feeling alone, that I still have Ozzy waiting for me at home, and I would swallow my sadness like a good soldier.